She was passive. I could never picture her initiate something unless it was intended to hurt us. such stuff she was skillful at. she was always waiting for things to happen to her, for people to call, for children to grow on their own, for a husband to love while feeling unloved. she was letting life happen to her. Her days or should I say her demons took charge of her life. I could find it within me to accept the passive part if not for the very aggressive twist. I never felt that she knew me or really saw me expect when she wanted to hurt me or my sisters. She knew exactly what to say to hurt each one of us efficiently. Aggressive she is with us all, and it's not the common one size fit all type of aggressive. It's the personalized version that never fails to break into pieces the ones at the receiving end. She would never ever say, ''I am sorry you feel this way.'' ''You have a fever; your fault. You shouldn't have go out with your friends the other day.'' That gathering was a year ago for the record. She would say whatever needs to be said in the worst time possible and, her words are always carefully selected to be as harsh and as to the bones as words could ever possiblely be. Her words are yet to be listed amongst life threatening weapons, or so I believed one day. They hurt once; but eventually they just become powerless and empty no matter how much truth lies within them. Words strip out of all their powers when put together equally harsh when your child six year old child forgets a sandwich in the living room over night or when your 20 year old son pushes you against the wall. She was so tough; and yet she kept saying stuff like ''if only anybody would ever consider me as a saint human and listens to a word I utter.'' That, I never got. How could you be so contradicted. It's so very self destructive. It's never her fault. It's dad's fault because he is unbalanced. (Loving or giving in normal humen's mesns). It's my middle sister mistake for being very a provocative influence, which is being embracing and accepting in simple words. It was never her fault, but to not to me. Well I was raised by a true character. I got through holding on my core belief that I'm noting like her.
''You could for once in your life time really LISTEN and not be a complete disgrace,'' I hit my husband in the face with that sentence. Why? for opening the left drawer while I clearly stated that his keys are in the right drawer. I don't know where those words came from, and I didn't realize until that moment that I'm capable of producing such mean phrases. He looked at me in disbelief and complete disappointment. I know that look. I know where it comes from. I made a hundred dozen of them back in the day when I used to care. He just shook his head and walked away. Is it the first time? It didn't look like that. That ''I had enough of your bullshit'' look that I know very well said more than I wanted to hear. I can fix this. I am proactive and sensitive. I am just going to apologize. It's simple. I am capable. It's not that I don't do those gestures. I headed quickly to the bedroom and opened the door quicker and stronger than I intended to. It is my eagerness to appologize I guess. I will just through the word out there and let it do its magic. Sorry is a magical word; or so we were told by our good friend Barney.
''I am sorry... I married you.''
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